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A friend posted this yesterday on her social media and it just hit me right between the eyes…
CTRL + ALT + DEL
Control yourself. Alter your thinking. Delete negativity.
It looks like a clever play on computer keys and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that's exactly what I had to do just to stay alive.
There was a period of time in my life when I completely unraveled.
Not for a day… or a week…
For 15 months!!
A year and a half into sobriety I was in the middle of a severe mental breakdown that exposed every single piece of unresolved trauma I'd spent decades trying to outrun. I was working program, working my steps over and over and over. I was writing and journaling everyday, non stop. Then all the coping mechanisms seemed to have stopped working. The walls I'd built to protect myself came crashing down, and I didn't know who the hell I was anymore.
During that time, I survived three attempts to end my own life.
I don't share that for sympathy at all… I share it because some of you are fighting battles so deep that you can't even explain them to the people who are closest to you.
I know what that shitty darkness feels like… I know what it's like to believe your own mind is your enemy.
And I also know what it feels like to wake up every morning wondering how you're supposed to get through all of this.
Looking back now… the healing didn't start because my life suddenly got easier…
It really started when I learned to control myself instead of letting my traumas control me.
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👇 Now back to the article! 👇
I couldn't control what happened to me as a kid… I couldn't control all the abuse… I couldn't control the betrayal… I couldn't control any of the people who hurt me.
But I could control these things that I did next…
Some days it just meant getting out of bed.
Some days it meant asking for help. (One of the absolute hardest things for me to do.)
Some days it meant sitting with deep dark feelings I'd spent 30 years trying to numb. ( I cried every single day... it was ugly.)
Then I finally had to alter my way of thinking…
The victim mentality… that had to die.
The belief that I was completely broken beyond repair.. that had to go out the window.
The constant expectation that everyone would leave me in some way, shape, or form.
The lie that I wasn't worthy of love from anyone.
The belief that healing wasn't possible for someone like me.
None of that was the truth!
It was the trauma talking… and trauma is a damn liar!!
Finally… I had to delete all the negativity.
Not just the negative people… negative habits… negative self-talk… negative environments… negative excuses.
Every single thing that kept feeding the old version of me had to be completely wiped out, even when it hurt… especially when it hurt!
Healing isn't just about adding all the good and healthy things to your life.
Sometimes it's about having the guts to delete the things that are killing you.
I still have hard days… very hard days.
I still have moments where my mind wants to drift back toward my old self and my old ways.
The difference is that today I know what to do…
Control myself!
Alter my thinking!
Delete the bullshit that no longer serves me!
You don't have to fix your entire life today… Just hit your own reset button.
Control what you can… Challenge the lies you've been believing… Delete whatever keeps pulling you backward.
You survived for a reason… now it's time to start living like it!
Jeff
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